Last week I had another big, bad mosquito night. This time the little blood-pirate bit me on the bottom of my foot. I woke to that peculiarly muffled version of "itch" that's the only thing my feet seem able to muster. I think my nether-nerves (not these nethers ... those!) are dumb, or poorly wired, because even if I scratch the exact spot of the itch, all I feel is a diffuse sensation that's not even vaguely satisfying, like I'm tapping on a cast, maybe. Plus it tickles. A lot! (Have you ever noticed how much more ticklish pale people are than swarthies? All you have to do is wiggle your fingers at we wan ones in that particular "tickle tickle!" way -- like the "boob grab" mime, only with the alternating digits of a piano-player -- and we cringe and scream and start kicking our feet out blindly.)

And man, the itchy foot tickles are THE WORST, especially at 4 in the morning. I just laid there, miserable with itch and sweat (it was hot, what with all my extremities in full retreat under the comforter). Then the whining "eeeeeeeeEEEEEeeeeEEE" started up in my ear. Hoh! Enraging!

Since I can't, just can't sleep with my head under the covers (part claustrophobia, part not liking the heat, moisture, and sound of my own breath), I staggered to the closet and dug out my fan. After some weird naked fumbling, I managed to get the plug in the socket (literally). Then I turned the fan on full blast and balanced it on the pillow next my head. My thinking? No mosquito could negotiate the insane wind currents to get within whining distance of my ear.

And it seemed to work! Except the solution brought its own cons: No matter how hard I tried to keep them in check, the recently shorn little hairs around the crown of my head kept blowing across my face and teasing at my eyes and cheeks.

So, and this is where all logic broke down, I went and got the oxygen tubing that they'd given me at the Oxygen Bar back when Jay and I went to go see Mike play his cute records. I hooked it into my nose and around my ears and ducked my head under the covers. The open end of the tube I placed in front of the fan (thinking, I guess, that the blowing wind would help keep me supplied with fresh oxygen?). This plan lasted all of ten seconds since the fan didn't provide even vaguely enough pumping action, nor was my nose up to sucking air through three feet of tubing. No sir.

Finally, I used the tubing to tie back my hair enough for it not to scrape at my face under the fan's blast, and that seemed to work enough for me to slide into a sort of half-sleep full of really boring dreams about lying in bed and trying to sleep.

Just as I was losing consciousness, though, I came up with another great invention:

The Mosquito Mask!
A cross between a fencing mask and a tea ball, this clam-shaped contraption (hinge at the top of the head) has a pillow for its lower half. The top half is a light frame that holds fine netting set at whining-distance-plus-three-inches away from the head. The bottom lip of the frame features a padded half-circle for your neck. Air gets in, mosquitos stay out and starve, starve, starve! Similar "shoes" and "mittens" can also be constructed for those of us who like to moderate our temperatures by sticking our bits out.

That, or I could, you know, get better-fitting screens for my windows. Or buy the ceiling-mounted mosquito netting that, according to Caroleen, IKEA is now selling for like four cents.

(PS: My diary has officially moved over to my official evany.com website. Let's meet up over there!)

(PS: My diary has officially moved over to my official evany.com website. Let's meet up over there!)