I've been thinking about this gym thing for a long time now, and I've come up with some really great ideas to make it even better than it already is:

Gymprison, the Gym-based Reality Show!
A bunch of equally out-of-shape people are trapped in a gym as they vie for some sort of ideal weight and BMI perfection (i.e., TOTAL HAPPINESS). The winner gets a whopping cash prize and lots of new petite outfits, but he or she isn't the only winner. The audience can land some serious cash money, too ... IF they place their bets on the right "horse" at the beginning of the competition.

To keep things interesting, there'll be a well-stocked kitchen full of good (bad) food, such as egg whites and spit-flavored energy bars, as well as tempting, fat-people food (fried Snickers bars, coconut milk). Each morsel of food a contestant ingests will be reported online, along with its fat and caloric values. Heart rates and up-to-the-minute reports about calories burned will also be available to the audience at home.

To tempt contestants into eating less or exercising more, viewers can send encouraging messages ("Faster, fatty, FASTER! You think that chicken pot pie is going to work itself off that ass?"), which will stream across the screens of the contestants' elliptical trainers as they work out. Sex between players (something that will be encouraged because it will both boost ratings and increase the number of calories burned ... especially if contestants strap weights to their bodies before they go at it) will also be monitored closely.

Confrontational Tae Bo classes will provide the perfect playing field for psych-outs (and other gymbroglios!) between contestants. "Do I smell fried chicken?" one might whisper to the other as they stand, side by side, rabbit punching their invisible speed bags.

Oh and the tanning booth will serve as the confessional.

That's right, it's Gymprison, the Gym-based Reality Show! Accept no gymitation!

Gym Membership at MOMA!
You've seen them all over the city: People trotting their hearts out right there in the front window of the gym, looking out at you with blank, endorphined stares. If you think about it, or completely stop thinking about it, each one of them is like a beautiful, kinetic sculpture. So why not just take that idea and run with it (ha ha!), and open an art gym? All you need is a little plaque next to each piece of equipment, and you're done! (Materials: stairmaster, buns of steel, water, water bottle, lycra) The membership fees will be a great money-maker for beleaguered arts institutions. Members get to feel as though they're "exercising" their artistic sensibilities. And they also get a great workout! A total win-win-win!

Harness the Power, Make Tofutti!
Ever looked at one of those food pyramids? The ones that illustrate how much grain goes into feeding the locusts that feed the eagle that becomes a bird burger for one human being? A lot of vegetarians have this image tattooed on their stomachs, so I'm sure you've seen it. No? OK then, believe me, it's a real eye opener. So many resources! So much waste! And then we just go to the gym and BURN all those environmentally costly calories. So bad. I say, why not capture that energy and use it to power something nice, like an orphanage or Tofutti factory? Why not!

Man, just thinking about all these exciting gym ideas gets my heart rate all elevated, like to the point of me not even really having to go the gym at all today, maybe.

(PS: My diary has officially moved over to my official evany.com website. Let's meet up over there!)

(PS: My diary has officially moved over to my official evany.com website. Let's meet up over there!)