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Tuesday, Dec. 10, 2002 | link Fuck. Unlike Jay, who just finished his first marathon!, I totally choked! I didn't finish my big fat term paper! And not because I was off swishing down the bunny slopes or whatever. I mean, I was WORKING on it, pulled an all-nighter, proceeded by a sleep-at-4-AM-up-at-8-AM-nighter, proceeded by a sleep-at-2-AM-up-at-6-AM-nighter. And I kept typing to the very last second, then half an hour beyond that. It just never came together. The professor is letting me hand it in on Wednesday for a lesser grade, which is really nice, but it means I STILL HAVE TO WRITE IT! And I just, god, I just don't want to look at it ever again, let alone come up with some sort of retroactive thesis sentence for the thing. Because that's the problem: at about page 15, I realized that I had no idea what my paper was about anymore. That the research I'd done, the sources I was citing, none of them hung together in any cohesive way. I'm sure the total lack of sleep wasn't helping, nor the insane coffee jitters. (I was drinking only about a cup a day, but after four months of nothing but decaf, that was enough to put me in the tense crouch of someone waiting for the ball, come-on-come-on-throw-it-THROW-it-to-me!, for like eight hours.) But the sun has come up on me sitting at my computer in a full-sweat panic before, where I'm shoving paragraphs around and reading things out loud and ... nothing. Then that peculiar brand of giddiness, both tearful and giggly all at once, kicks in and somehow it all comes together. I mean, it wasn't always great, what I came up with. But things that absolutely had to get done got done. But not this time! I think that's what worries me the most. What if my fight-or-flighty panic, which has always been there to pull me up out of the nose-dives, has ceased to be? What if I'm too old for the all-nighter bender, which is the very core of my writing strategy? That would suck. But no. What's way, way worse is that I still have to write THIS paper. There's part of me, a big part, like my entire rack, that would prefer dropping out of school to finishing that paper. Fuck!
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